Tuesday, July 9, 2013

A Truce With Myself


Since April I have felt a disturbance in the force, or at least something not quite at ease within my own body. My book was out in the world and I had an amazing art show at Gallery Mar here in Park City. It was all perfect, and yet it wasn't. My hard work for the last two years had culminated and afterwards, I was left questioning what I was supposed to do now. Well meaning folks asked "What's next?" while my amazing husband suggested I just enjoy it and go with the flow. Call it Limbo, but I was floundering there for awhile, unsure of what my next move was and growing impatient with myself.

prevail, 20x20 in
I've always been the sort of person that had a plan, new exactly what I wanted and worked really hard to get to it. Writing and publishing a book was one of my dreams and now that I've done that, I was unsure of what was around the bend - or even what I wanted the next goal to be. I knew writing and art were part of it, but how much of each and what I didn't know.

My responsible side kept telling me to come up with new ideas for writing, books and even websites that I could run to come up with a sustainable income and ease fears about earning money. The other side just wanted to paint and have fun. I was in a stalemate - one side berating the other for not working hard enough and the other totally paralyzed with fear because I didn't know what to do.

truce, 55x37 in

I had a number of heart to heart talks with myself to figure out what I really wanted. I also had a lot of support from my husband as he listened to my crazy talk and the help of a friend who could walk me through an honest discussion between my two polar halves. The end result was that in all truth, I wanted to paint, develop my artistic skill and hone my craft. I spent two years on the book and now it's time to switch gears and spend it on art.

I came to a truce with myself. The two halves that were fighting are now in agreement and are working together to push forward with the next goal - to become a better artist. I am happy to report I am at peace. The last three paintings I've done speak very much about what's been going on lately. Prevail is about how Matt helped me work through my fears and uncertainty, Truce is where my two halves are working together, and Evening Calm is about the peace I feel now. While I didn't plan for it, they are very descriptive of my last month.

evening calm, 27x27 in